Let's try this.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Chinatown, Bulletproof, and Samoas

I've been drinking my Bulletproof Coffee for the last few days...not like, butter and coconut oil in my regular coffee, but the $20 a bag ("Upgraded Coffee"), $32 a bottle ("Upgraded MCT Oil") for the actual Bulletproof stuff.  The jury is still out, and it probably doesn't help that I had an all day bender in SF...I had Millionaire's Bacon, y'all...if there's ever a good reason to cheat, I'm pretty sure that one tops the list. Probably not an awesome cheat was the dim sum from the Hang Ah Tea Room in Chinatown.  I don't want to hear how I'm going to die from a gluten/rice overdose because how many of you can say you've had dim sum in Chinatown?!

That reminds me...SF stinks.  I don't mean like...sucks, I mean the odor is nauseating.  SF is a very homeless-friendly city and that means that if there is a corner or doorway, it's been peed in. That sucks because I LOVE SF.  You've never seen a more beautiful collection of Victorian homes all squinched together in one place.  Feel like buying one?  Good luck because you won't find one (even a shanty) for under $1,000,000.  I don't think I want to pay that much for someone to pee on my stoop.  The food is network TV worthy, and it's gay-friendly...did I mention it's only an hour away??  Good stuff.

Sorry...I digress...I'm obviously very new to blogging and I don't know how to get a picture on here if I'm posting this from work.  I will give it a shot because I want to share this recipe with you...it's my new go-to cupcake recipe for special occasions.  I've adapted and tweaked it from the recipe that Juli Bauer from PaleOMG and Jenni from the Urban Poser did together for Samoa Donuts. I didn't feel like busting out my donut maker, so I made mini-cupcakes...also, my GF decided to take too long going out to buy coconut, so by the time she got home with it, the cakes were done...sans coconut.

Samoa Donuts
My tweaks of the original recipe by PaleOMG and The Urban Poser

For the Donuts/Mini cupcakes/Cupcakes
  • 2½ cups blanched almond flour (such as Honeyville)
  • ½ teaspoon baking soda
  • A scant less than ½ teaspoon salt
  • 6 tablespoons honey
  • ¼ cup coconut oil, softened or liquid
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla
  • 1 teaspoon Lemon juice
  • 3 whole large room temp eggs
Coconut Caramel Crack
  • 1 can full-fat coconut milk (about 1½ cups)
  • ½ cup mild flavored honey or maple syrup
  • A pinch of sea salt
  • 1 rounded tablespoon ghee or butter (can sub palm shortening or coconut oil)
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • ¼ cup finely shredded coconut, plus 2 more tablespoons for garnishing
For the Dipping Chocolate
  • 1/2 C.-1 bag Enjoy Life Chocolate chips

  1. Preheat your mini donut making machine OR preheat the oven to 350 degrees if you are using a regular donut pan or making into muffins.
  2. In a large bowl, mix together the almond flour, baking soda and salt.
  3. In another bowl, combine the honey, oil, vanilla, lemon juice and eggs.
  4. Add the oil/honey mixture to the dry ingredients. Mix till just combined.
  5. Add about 2 tablespoons of batter to each mold in the donut machine or scoop the batter into a ziplock bag, twisting the other end to close it. Snip the end off of one of the corners with a scissors. Start with a small cut. You can always make it bigger if you need too. Squeeze batter into molds.
  6. Close the lid and allow to cook for about 2 minutes. Times will vary with each machine. Open the machine and flip over each donut using the forked ‘skewer’ that comes with most machines. Close the lid again cook for about one more minute. Remove donuts and let cool on a wire rack. Repeat with the rest of the batter.
  7. If using a regular donut pan, mini or regular muffin pan, fill each well-greased mold about ¾ full. Bake for 10-12 minutes. Let cool in the pan for 5 minutes, remove from the pan and cool completely on a wire rack or pretty platter like this:

  8. I made a solid 15 of these little suckers...
For the Coconut Caramel Crack
  1. In a small-medium heavy bottomed sauce pan, bring the coconut milk, honey and salt to a boil over medium high heat, being sure that they are well combined. Reduce to a medium heat, and let the mixture boil down for about 35-40 minutes.
  2. Add the ghee/butter/oil, stirring it in till well incorporated. Continue cooking for another 5-15 minutes or as long as needed until it is a deep caramel color. Don’t rush the process, but don't walk away! Depending on how hot your burner is this process could be faster or slower. Stir often toward the end to keep the bottom from burning too much. A little burning is fine as long as you are stirring it in to the mixture. It will give it a darker flavor...for reals...I burned mine pretty bad and it still came out perfectly...look:

  3. Remove from heat, transfer to a bowl and let cool for 5 minutes then stir vigorously until it’s creamy, shinny and smooth.
  4. While the caramel is cooking, spread the coconut out on an ungreased cookie sheet and toast the coconut in a 325 degree oven. Stir often till golden, about 5-10 minutes. Remove from the oven and let cool.
  5. Mix the toasted coconut into the caramel minus a tablespoon or so for garnishing later. Use coconut caramel while still warm for best spreading results. Caramel can be made ahead of time(w/o the shredded coconut) and reheated in a double boiler.
  6. After the donuts/cakes have cooled enough to handle, turn them upside down and dip them into the caramel: 
  7.  Melt your chocolate chips...officially, that means in a double broiler, but if you're impatient like me, you melt that shit in a pan on the stove...carefully.  Like I've said before...you're only a badass until you burn that expensive Paleo-friendly chocolate.

These things are dangerously good...enjoy. 

Friday, July 12, 2013

What's upChuck?

Alright, suckas.  I keep getting requests to start a blog and it's all pretty daunting when I think about how MUCH goes down in my life and how I'm supposed to get it all "on paper". Jesus.  Maybe if I just start with today, then at least I can tell everyone to suck it for a little while. :D

Let's get some stuff out of the way first so that you can keep reading or tell me where to shove my blog...I'm 34, I'm a veteran, I'm a Mom, a Buddhist, and I have a girlfriend.  My resume is ridiculous, but I'm a nurse now and forever, but I didn't become a nurse until 2010.  If you read my blog long enough, you'll eventually realize that I'm a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none. 

I cook a LOT (Paleo), Crossfit...not enough, support my GF as she goes to school, pay the bills, watch a lot of little girls play hockey, and generally keep our little household afloat while trying to save for vacation too.  We have a cat named Shakira that looks like she's wearing oven mitts and has a crazy crooked tail, and a snail named Sunshine.  R.I.P. Friendship the Beta fish...is that what you call them...or just beta?  Whatever...Friendship and Sunshine are names that happen when you let your Widget name your pets.

OH...I should mention...I used to weigh almost 300 pounds.  Yikes, yeah, I know.  I'm roughly 180 right now.  As you can tell, I have no shame about my weight.  It's just a number on a scale people, and only you know it.  How do you FEEL?  That's a better thing to measure.

Don't worry...I'll get to the details of my weight issues eventually.

For NOW...thanks for getting this far, and I'll give you an EASY recipe to start off with:

Grok Rocks
(these are from the Primal Blueprint meal plan)


6oz bar of Paleo-friendly dark chocolate...if you can find it.
1/2 C. dried plums (dude, they're prunes, just say it)

Melt the chocolate in a double broiler, or if you're like me, just melt that shit on the stove...carefully.  You're only a badass until you burn that expensive Paleo-friendly chocolate.  Cover your prunes in the chocolate, let 'em cool on some parchment paper, then eat a couple a day so that you stay regular.  If you're just starting out on Paleo, you're probably on protein overload and can't poop, so you're WELCOME.